he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
