I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
