My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
