It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
