Just cropdusted the office
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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