Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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