I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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