Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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