I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dignity is for republicans.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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