i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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