these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
