We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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