I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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