I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sorry my hands just texted you
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
