i jhust puked up my retainher.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
