please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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