Your mouth is God's brothel.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
