Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
