Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
