i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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