I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
