I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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