I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
