And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
