So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
