I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
