she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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