You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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