Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
