I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
