weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
