I accidentally burped into my bong.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
