i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
