My hand turned me down
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
