You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
