Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
