i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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