Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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