even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
