I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
