The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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