We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
