Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
