I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
