I just pynch a tree in the face
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
