Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize