That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
