I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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