I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
