dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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