swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
