and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
