she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
