I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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